I Lost a Bet... Now My Wife Will Get Naked For Another Man

My wife and I recently made a friendly bet to help jump start our work out routine that had been lacking as of late. A half marathon was the bet. Who ever had the fastest time would win. It wasn't our first, not even our first time running one together. But it was our first high stakes race.

We had a tough time deciding on what the bet would be. More truthfully, we had a tough time deciding what my prize would be. I came up with a few ideas. But my wife quickly informed me that Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, and Alyssa Milano are too busy to get involved in a bet over a half marathon race.

I finally settled on a set of golf clubs. Taylor Made RocketBladez to be precise. I've been golfing with a bladed irons instead of cavity irons and I've been informed that blades are harder to hit. So I've been wanting to make the switch to an easier to hit club. So why not include it in our bet. It's a bit pricey for a bet between a husband and wife, but I've used the same clubs for nearly 15 years and it's about time for an upgrade.

My wife had no problem coming up with her reward...

So we started training for the Middleton Haunted Hustle Half Marathon. I started off not training as hard as I should have. My wife was strong out of the gates with T25 and some running to compliment it. I finally decided that if I wanted to have a chance of winning new clubs, I would need to start training. I told my wife that maybe I would just diet instead of training for the race. She rolled her eyes.

Little did she know that I did start to train. I travel for work so I decided to bring my workout clothes and run while I was on the road. I reported back that I had an uneventful evening while running in Louisville, Harrisburg, Columbus, Omaha, Minneapolis, and Norfolk. When I wasn't traveling I would bring my work clothes to work and run during my lunch break. We did our long runs together and she just thought that I was foolish and only running those.

I felt kind of bad for the lie by omission. She does the laundry so she could have noticed the sweaty towel I used post shower at the office. Or the running clothes that were in my bag after I returned from a trip. But she never did pick up on that. The weight I lost was explained away by my new 'training via diet' strategy. We even had our son's Godfather as the impartial judge to determine if what either of us was doing was considered cheating. I got the approval, my conscience was clear, and she was none the wiser.

Then she got an injury.

She had to take a couple weeks off due to a sharp pain she got in her leg after lifting some heavy objects at work. She said she felt it whenever she walked. It did not look good for her completion of the race. She was feeling really down after taking two weeks off, was frustrated, and vented to me. "The thing that makes me so mad is that you haven't been training at all. I would have totally kicked your ass if it wasn't for this injury." I laughed to myself. I asked her if it would make her feel better if I had been training and that she didn't have the win in the bag. She said "yes." I revealed my white lies. I told her about the running while on the road and during my lunch breaks. I pointed out all the evidence that she could have found but did not. We both had a laugh and she ended it with a "Good!"

Then she said she wanted to try out her leg on a long run. An 8 mile long run after only have ran 6 2 weeks prior.

We went out for the run and she got better. That's right... BETTER! She got through the 8 miles okay. The next day she felt better than she ever had. I was demoralized. I revealed my secret too soon and stopped training as hard. I should have started training harder. Come the day of the race she absolutely smoked me. She set a PR by nearly 20 minutes. Little did I know that when she got her I needed every workout possible to try and keep up with her on race day.

I was so very happy for her. She ran a great race. I PR'd as well. Despite starting off too fast to TRY and keep up with her (unsuccessfully after 3 minutes into the race) and nearly walking the last 3 miles. I felt awful but it was my fastest time.

So come sometime this winter, I'll watch our two boys as my wife gets all dressed up and packs a travel bag. I will kiss her goodbye and tell her that she deserves this prize fair and square. And when she returns I'll do my best to keep a smile on my face as she tells me every detail of her spa day in Lake Geneva, WI :)

She's so lucky to have married such a selfless, loving, and slow husband.

Please check out my Kickstarter to fund my book about running 12 Races in 12 Months
If funded, I'll blog about it here as well.

Racing Hearts, Tangled Limbs, and Sweat Drenched Bodies

I'm about to tell you about an amazing experience I had recently. This experience involved me and 12 young and pretty fit women I had never met before. It started with me getting undressed and ended with me feeling better than I have in a long time while taking a cold shower. I even had to stop in the middle of it to rehydrate myself, fearing I would cramp up and have to stop.

Last Wednesday I took a leap of faith and tried hot yoga for the first time. If you haven't tried hot yoga, you are missing out. It has all the tranquility of combining movement with intentional breath-work and all the shear discomfort and panic of sweating your ass off in a 95 degree room.

Now I'm not a small guy. When I sweat I pour. When I stepped into the 95 degree room for the first time, it didn't take long. I was about 5 minutes early for class. I laid out my mat and began to sweat while I waited for class to start. I looked around and noticed that I was the only guy in the room. I started to get a bit self conscious about these women undressing me with their eyes. I quickly realized that my clothes would be heavy with sweat and therefore far too heavy for their eyes to peel off of my sweat drenched body.

As I began to do the poses I felt even more self conscious. I'm not good at yoga. Some of the students were doing things I had only seen Gumby do. On top of that as I stretched to pull off some of the poses I realized my shirt was sticking to my body and revealing my white passenger (Dexter's dark passenger is an urge that drives him to kill serial killers, my white passenger is my Jim Gaffigan-esque pale skin).

I wasn't thrilled that my pail skin was on display for all to view. That's when it hit me. I was surrounded by young women wearing skin tight yoga pants and I was so focused on not falling/puking/fainting/dying to really notice. I no longer cared about me or them and focused on the yoga. That's the beauty of yoga, it takes all your concentration to not fall on your face so you don't get to focus on all the stresses from life.

Several skipped poses and water breaks later, I had survived my first hot yoga experience. Oddly enough, the combination works well. I feel so much better after a session of sweating with several strangers.

So you might be asking, like I once did, why the hell would someone choose, let alone pay to go through that? I know several people that would describe this exact scenario as their own personal hell. After looking into it I realized this could be one way to get several key benefits out of one workout.

Heat Tolerance
I am awful in the heat. My body can't cope with it and I end up slowing down and eventually shutting down. I may have finished my super hot marathon in Texas, but I sure didn't enjoy it. I'm hoping my body learns to sweat to cool myself down without depleting my body's salt levels.

Flexibility
I have never been flexible. I got hit by a Harley Davidson motorcycle while riding my bike to the gym when I was 14. My doctor put a 13 inch titanium bar in my tibia and screwed my fibula to my tibia and the bar. I was laid up for 3 months and my flexibility declined severely and I never worked very hard to gain it back.

If most people at 50% legs and 50% torso, I'd say I am about 40% legs 60% torso. I'm 5'10 but step on pants with a 29" inseam. If I can gain some flexibility the hope is that I can increase my stride length and help my speed out a bit.

Weight Loss
I've lost 30 lbs. since my heaviest weigh in that started my journey to living a healthier lifestyle. Burning calories is a key factor to the "eat less, move more" equation. Working out in hot temps burns more calories than working out in milder temps. And the lighter you are the faster you can move.

Core Strength
I hate ab workouts. They make me feel hungry. If I lost 100 lbs. I'm convinced I still wouldn't have a six pack because the muscles never get any attention. Did I mention I hate ab workouts? I do. I hate them. Like Itchy hates Scratchy, like the Coyote hates the Roadrunner, like my H.S. English teacher hated me. I don't know if core strength does diddly squat for running but people always act like it does. So why not.

Cross Training
I may be a runner but after my first yoga class it was clear how much more strength I could have in my legs. This will help me stay injury free and can allow me to run more often without risking an overuse injury.

Only time will tell. In the 4 days I have been in town since I got the unlimited monthly pass, I've gone 3 times. I can even squeeze my class in at lunch time and shower after and head back to making the world a more delicious place.

An Open Letter to Childless Travelers

Dear Childless Traveler,

I know my kid is crying, I know he's kicking your seat, and I know he's looking at you between the seats when you just want to relax and read a magazine or catch a few Zs on the flight. But you should know that it could be worse. Much worse.

Firs off, remebmer that it's inconvenient to you but it's way worse for us.

People pay a lot more money for front row seats at their favorite concert for a reason. The experience is so much more vidid, the lead singer can reach out and touch you, and the music seems to envelop every molecule of your soul.

The same goes for the front row seat of a mid air meltdown. Except this lead singer isn't high fiving his fans. He's kicking them in the face. The lead singer isn't hitting a perfect note that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. He's screeching at the top of his lungs, saying the most disrespectful words that he just knows will push your buttons. The lead singer isn't engaging in transitional story telling or playful banter. He's laughing at your futile attempts to control his behavior and to reason with him.

So yes, it sucks for you, but remember, it sucks for us even more. Ask any parent if they would rather trade in their front row seats for some nose bleeds.

Lastly, it could be worse. Most parents put a ton of thought and preparation into preparing for flying with a young one. Will it conflict with nap time? Do we need to pack food so the kid isn't hungry? What toys can we bring that will occupy them but not disturb others? Do we have something they can drink so they can pop their ears? The list really goes on and on.

And I know that we chose to have kids and that you may not have. But the key to remember is that we don't have to do all of those things. We don't do any of those things for us. We do them for you. Think about that. Let it sink in.

What many childless travelers are not aware of (I know I wasn't when I was one), is that we can completely tune out our own child for a 3-4 hour flight, no problem. We've endured enough tantrems in our day to completely ignore the blood curdling screams, the kicking and hitting, the name calling. We can turn a cheek to all of the behavior and let them do their worse.

So the next time you get annoyed because a kid is raising and lowering the beverage tray excessively, remember there's a parent stopping that kid from pulling your hair. When the kid is peeking at you through the seat for a minute or two, remember that same kid would be content staring at you for 2 hours straight. Any facial expression you make would be mirrored back to you and only encourage the little one to continue. And when you do hear that occasional peep out of my kid, rest assured that you could listen to him scream at the top of his lungs all flight long and I wouldn't hear a thing.

Fuck me handing you a "sorry for the disturbance" gift. You ought to be buying me Starbucks considering I paid just as much for his seat as you did for yours.

Sincerely,

Every parent that has ever taken a kid on plane, ever. (Especially the ones before iPads were invented)

I Want A Pair of Yoga Pants

I'm sure you have all seen them. The tight black pants women wear that you either love or hate. I personally love them. I think it is one of the most enjoyable fashion trends ever. I am very thankful that this fad came along while I am nearing 30 as opposed to 20.

Frankly. I can't imagine how I would have passed High School OR College. It's been enough of a challenge having ADHD throughout my life. I couldn't imagine trying to pay attention to anything other than the cute girl in yoga pants next to me, let alone Shakespeare or The History of Central Asia; The Silk Route to Afghanistan.

I've often wondered why women chose to wear pants that look like they are painted on. The common response I always here is:

"They are SOOOO comfortable."
"But they are SOOO tight"
"They stretch"
"Isn't it harder to move?"
"No it's easier, just like running tights"

That's when I had an epiphany. I LOVE wearing my running tights. I would wear them all day if they weren't so hot. Mine are designed to be worn in single digit weather while running so they have extra thick lining. It also isn't socially acceptable for a man to wear tights. But honestly, since when have I cared about what is and isn't socially acceptable. (I was a cheerleader in HS, I paint my toes, I get my son a toy kitchen, etc.)

There is also the issue of the tights highlighting my package. I am pretty damn comfortable with my body regardless of how comfortable other people are with it. I've been known to partake in a game of strip flip cup a time or two. You may see a post next year about me running a race completely naked. However, I am slightly aware that while I may be comfortable with it, that doesn't mean everyone else will be.

But I recently decided I'm going to find a pair. I looked at Lululemon like many people suggested. They have only one pair of yoga tights for men and they are thick as well. The other men's yoga pants/tights I see have crazy athletic looking designs that are meant to "stabilize the athlete," but I think it has more to do with making a guy feel more secure in that fact that he's wearing tights.  My search continues. I am hoping to find a pair that are thin enough that I won't sweat profusely in them.

I'm hoping I can find some for men but am becoming more and more skeptical that that will happen. And if I am forced to buy women's yoga pants, I'm curious how comfortable that will be for both me and others due to the differences in the cut. If you have any solutions. Let me know.

More Men Should Get Pedicures

I have to admit, I've always thought I had great feet for a guy. Despite playing football for years my feet stayed soft and attractive, even if they didn't smell the greatest. My wife was 9 months pregnant with our son when some friends asked us to go to a Badger Basketball game. The due date was nearing and we were going crazy so we took any distraction we could get.

The game wasn't for a couple hours and we were in Madison about 40 minutes from home. So we decided to stay and kill some time. My wife wanted to get a pedicure so I said, "let's do it." We walked into the place and an asian woman told us to pick out the colors we wanted. I had planned on getting a pedicure but not painted. I decided, what the hell.

I picked out Badger Red and White. The ladies laughed at me but sure enough they gave me the pedicure and painted my nails Red and White. I had them alternate every other toe so that the red and white stood out a bit.

I'll admit it was a bit of a surprise the next morning when I tiredly went to hop in the shower and I looked down and saw painted toe nails. But it wasn't long before the shock wore off. My new painted toes grew on me quite a bit.

My nails grew and soon the red and white were nearly gone. Just six weeks later a good friend had a bachelor party in Arizona. We were all heading down for the Brewers spring training games. I decided to show my team proud and found a great match for the brewers Blue and Gold. The first day I broke out my sandals I had forgotten that men don't normally paint their toes. I had been looking at painted toes for a couple months now. When one of the other guys noticed it, I was greeted by a "What the fuck is that!?" I casually responded, "What? They're Brewers colors."

I got a hassle but it soon passed. I enjoyed the pedicures and painted toes much more than I disliked the occasional comments I got from people. It makes me laugh when I forget I go to the doctors or get a massage and they are shocked to see them. It's quite fun to see peoples reactions.

I recently went out with my wife to celebrate a long 2 weeks during my job transition. Most couples do dinner and movie. We did pedicures and a steak house. I have to give Polished Nail Bar in Milwaukee a plug. They did a Sugar Scrub, a Paraffin Wax Peel, and a great massage. I could feel the softness in between my toes for several days. It was fantastic. They also had the Badger Football game on the big screen so I didn't have to miss the game.

This time I went with Black and Orange for Halloween. They orange even glows in black light. The best part of painting your toes is that you only have to show the people you want to. I refer to it as "my own personal weirdness." My two year old son loves to go toe by toe and say what color each one is.

But my nails are starting to grow out a month later. So what color should I go with next? I need some suggestions.

Falling Back In Love

I feel like me and the outdoors have been in an estranged marriage. We're still technically married, we see each other everyday as we both go about our business around the house.  I'm doing my thing, she's doing hers. I think I still love her but I sure haven't liked her the past few months.

We've been fighting. Sure, some of it's petty but if it's kept up for a long period of time, it could be a deal breaker in our relationship. For instance, she insists on keeping the thermostat at an ungodly high temperature. I can't stand it. I just am not nearly as happy when I'm hot and sweaty while standing still. I also feel like she always leaves every light in the house on. Can't I go outside for a 7 mile run without getting sunburned or baked by the intense rays of light? And I have no problem watering the lawn occasionally. But is it too much to ask that she take care of it once or twice a month? I just don't want every lawn looking crispy and yellow. 

But lately things have started change a bit. She still leaves the thermostat a bit high some of the days, but lately she's been keeping it somewhat cool around the house. She still leaves the lights on, but she's dimmed the lights a bit and it makes a huge difference. And even the lawn is turning green again. I am finally starting to fall back in love with her.  And now that she's treating me so well I feel motivated to do more. Maybe I'll squeeze in a few more quality runs with her and not just sneak them in while she's still asleep in the morning. Or even going on a hike or geocaching trip might be in the cards. We'll take it slow and see where things go.

How Hyden Got His Groove Back

I took three weeks off from running to rest my Achilles Tendinitis after a dumb 3 mile barefoot run came back to bite me after 2 months of running with pain and stiff ankles. So much can change in 3 weeks. I wore gloves during CrazyLegs in the end of April. Now they are considering canceling marathons this weekend due to heat.

So I decided my first run back would be with the newly formed Johnson Creek Running Club that was started up one town over. I chose 3 miles to start. The route was unfamiliar and filled with hills. I had to stop several times to stretch my calf and achilles. And sure enough, things started to loosen up. Of course it started to loosen up 2.5 miles into my 3 mile run.

I had a second run this week. Five miles. Nice and slow. I even got 2 dozen cows to chase me through my rural route. There's something I love about running past small family farms with old barns and curious cows.

I know I have some adjusting to do. The temps are rising and hopefully my mileage will be soon. The Ragnar Relay will be here before I know it. I'm hoping to get some more blog posts in, so stay tuned.