An Open Letter to Childless Travelers

Dear Childless Traveler,

I know my kid is crying, I know he's kicking your seat, and I know he's looking at you between the seats when you just want to relax and read a magazine or catch a few Zs on the flight. But you should know that it could be worse. Much worse.

Firs off, remebmer that it's inconvenient to you but it's way worse for us.

People pay a lot more money for front row seats at their favorite concert for a reason. The experience is so much more vidid, the lead singer can reach out and touch you, and the music seems to envelop every molecule of your soul.

The same goes for the front row seat of a mid air meltdown. Except this lead singer isn't high fiving his fans. He's kicking them in the face. The lead singer isn't hitting a perfect note that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. He's screeching at the top of his lungs, saying the most disrespectful words that he just knows will push your buttons. The lead singer isn't engaging in transitional story telling or playful banter. He's laughing at your futile attempts to control his behavior and to reason with him.

So yes, it sucks for you, but remember, it sucks for us even more. Ask any parent if they would rather trade in their front row seats for some nose bleeds.

Lastly, it could be worse. Most parents put a ton of thought and preparation into preparing for flying with a young one. Will it conflict with nap time? Do we need to pack food so the kid isn't hungry? What toys can we bring that will occupy them but not disturb others? Do we have something they can drink so they can pop their ears? The list really goes on and on.

And I know that we chose to have kids and that you may not have. But the key to remember is that we don't have to do all of those things. We don't do any of those things for us. We do them for you. Think about that. Let it sink in.

What many childless travelers are not aware of (I know I wasn't when I was one), is that we can completely tune out our own child for a 3-4 hour flight, no problem. We've endured enough tantrems in our day to completely ignore the blood curdling screams, the kicking and hitting, the name calling. We can turn a cheek to all of the behavior and let them do their worse.

So the next time you get annoyed because a kid is raising and lowering the beverage tray excessively, remember there's a parent stopping that kid from pulling your hair. When the kid is peeking at you through the seat for a minute or two, remember that same kid would be content staring at you for 2 hours straight. Any facial expression you make would be mirrored back to you and only encourage the little one to continue. And when you do hear that occasional peep out of my kid, rest assured that you could listen to him scream at the top of his lungs all flight long and I wouldn't hear a thing.

Fuck me handing you a "sorry for the disturbance" gift. You ought to be buying me Starbucks considering I paid just as much for his seat as you did for yours.

Sincerely,

Every parent that has ever taken a kid on plane, ever. (Especially the ones before iPads were invented)

I Want A Pair of Yoga Pants

I'm sure you have all seen them. The tight black pants women wear that you either love or hate. I personally love them. I think it is one of the most enjoyable fashion trends ever. I am very thankful that this fad came along while I am nearing 30 as opposed to 20.

Frankly. I can't imagine how I would have passed High School OR College. It's been enough of a challenge having ADHD throughout my life. I couldn't imagine trying to pay attention to anything other than the cute girl in yoga pants next to me, let alone Shakespeare or The History of Central Asia; The Silk Route to Afghanistan.

I've often wondered why women chose to wear pants that look like they are painted on. The common response I always here is:

"They are SOOOO comfortable."
"But they are SOOO tight"
"They stretch"
"Isn't it harder to move?"
"No it's easier, just like running tights"

That's when I had an epiphany. I LOVE wearing my running tights. I would wear them all day if they weren't so hot. Mine are designed to be worn in single digit weather while running so they have extra thick lining. It also isn't socially acceptable for a man to wear tights. But honestly, since when have I cared about what is and isn't socially acceptable. (I was a cheerleader in HS, I paint my toes, I get my son a toy kitchen, etc.)

There is also the issue of the tights highlighting my package. I am pretty damn comfortable with my body regardless of how comfortable other people are with it. I've been known to partake in a game of strip flip cup a time or two. You may see a post next year about me running a race completely naked. However, I am slightly aware that while I may be comfortable with it, that doesn't mean everyone else will be.

But I recently decided I'm going to find a pair. I looked at Lululemon like many people suggested. They have only one pair of yoga tights for men and they are thick as well. The other men's yoga pants/tights I see have crazy athletic looking designs that are meant to "stabilize the athlete," but I think it has more to do with making a guy feel more secure in that fact that he's wearing tights.  My search continues. I am hoping to find a pair that are thin enough that I won't sweat profusely in them.

I'm hoping I can find some for men but am becoming more and more skeptical that that will happen. And if I am forced to buy women's yoga pants, I'm curious how comfortable that will be for both me and others due to the differences in the cut. If you have any solutions. Let me know.

More Men Should Get Pedicures

I have to admit, I've always thought I had great feet for a guy. Despite playing football for years my feet stayed soft and attractive, even if they didn't smell the greatest. My wife was 9 months pregnant with our son when some friends asked us to go to a Badger Basketball game. The due date was nearing and we were going crazy so we took any distraction we could get.

The game wasn't for a couple hours and we were in Madison about 40 minutes from home. So we decided to stay and kill some time. My wife wanted to get a pedicure so I said, "let's do it." We walked into the place and an asian woman told us to pick out the colors we wanted. I had planned on getting a pedicure but not painted. I decided, what the hell.

I picked out Badger Red and White. The ladies laughed at me but sure enough they gave me the pedicure and painted my nails Red and White. I had them alternate every other toe so that the red and white stood out a bit.

I'll admit it was a bit of a surprise the next morning when I tiredly went to hop in the shower and I looked down and saw painted toe nails. But it wasn't long before the shock wore off. My new painted toes grew on me quite a bit.

My nails grew and soon the red and white were nearly gone. Just six weeks later a good friend had a bachelor party in Arizona. We were all heading down for the Brewers spring training games. I decided to show my team proud and found a great match for the brewers Blue and Gold. The first day I broke out my sandals I had forgotten that men don't normally paint their toes. I had been looking at painted toes for a couple months now. When one of the other guys noticed it, I was greeted by a "What the fuck is that!?" I casually responded, "What? They're Brewers colors."

I got a hassle but it soon passed. I enjoyed the pedicures and painted toes much more than I disliked the occasional comments I got from people. It makes me laugh when I forget I go to the doctors or get a massage and they are shocked to see them. It's quite fun to see peoples reactions.

I recently went out with my wife to celebrate a long 2 weeks during my job transition. Most couples do dinner and movie. We did pedicures and a steak house. I have to give Polished Nail Bar in Milwaukee a plug. They did a Sugar Scrub, a Paraffin Wax Peel, and a great massage. I could feel the softness in between my toes for several days. It was fantastic. They also had the Badger Football game on the big screen so I didn't have to miss the game.

This time I went with Black and Orange for Halloween. They orange even glows in black light. The best part of painting your toes is that you only have to show the people you want to. I refer to it as "my own personal weirdness." My two year old son loves to go toe by toe and say what color each one is.

But my nails are starting to grow out a month later. So what color should I go with next? I need some suggestions.